Words for Board: Zeus, Hera, Athene, Apollo, Hermes, Ares, Hephaestus, Aphrodite, Poseidon, Dionysus, Satyrs, Centaurs, Hades, Prometheus, Pandora

Greek religion is usually called Greek mythology. A myth is something somebody else believes. (That means to the Buddhists, Christianity is a myth!!) The Greeks were polytheists. We study their religion cuz it showed us what early Greeks were like. Also, we've incorporated so many of their words, it's kind of like shorthand. If I tell you somebody is built like an Apollo, you automatically know he's built like a god–virile, handsome, etc. (Aren't many like that around!!) The early Minoan Greek religion is in the Syllabus. But here goes with the Greek gods . . .

Zeus is the head god. (NOTE: The Romans later adopted the Greek religion but they were too proud to keep the same names so the Roman name, which you may know the gods by, is in parentheses after the Greek name.) Zeus was known as Jupiter in Rome later on. He was powerful, but not like our concept of god which is that a god should be all-knowing, all-present, all-powerful. Zeus was powerful, but not everywhere and he could be fooled. He had a fickle love life with lots of affairs with mortals, nymphs, goddesses, anything female. His major weapon was the thunderbolt and lightning. He was married to Hera (Juno). She was a cool beauty. She was faithful to Zeus and very jealous of his little flings. Athene was the goddess of military ability and wisdom. (Why a goddess of military? Why military and wisdom combined? Who knows?!) She was the patron deity of a major Greek city, Athens. Apollo was the god of music and sunlight. He was a cutie! He dispensed prophecies and oracles. He came down to earth at a temple called Delphi and would answer mortals questions (for a small fee) and give them predictions. Hermes (Mercury) was the god of speed. He had wings on his feet. He ran messages for the gods. He was also the god of profit–illegal as well as legal (capitalists and robbers alike). He took your soul underground upon your demise. Now he works for the FTD Florist. Ares (Mars) was the god of war. But not strategic war–just carnal, vicious, slaughter type of warfare. He was almost always defeated in war. He was not bright. Sometimes he even lost to mortals. He was kind of the high school halfback type. Hephaestus (Vulcan) was the blacksmith god. He made beautiful stuff. He made the thunderbolts of Zeus. He was one of the oldest of gods. He had a limp (which the other gods made fun of) and huge shoulders. Aphrodite (Venus) was the goddess of sexual love. She was the frilly, feminine type. She had lots of affairs with anybody and didn't have many female friends in heaven. She was a late goddess in heaven. She had a rotten kid type that worked for her named Eros (Cupid). It was his responsibility to shoot people with arrows to make them fall in love. But he was mean. Sometimes he'd shoot you and not the recipient of your affections (boy, do I know how that works!). He'd even shoot his mommy and make her aggravated so she'd take away his arrows. But pretty soon everybody would get tired on earth cuz there wasn't any zing and he'd get his arrows back. Aphrodite was married to Hephaestus. (Talk about May/December marriages!) She cheated on him lots but she didn't have much sense. One time he caught her in an affair with Ares on their living room couch. He saw them through the window and snuck downstairs and made a magic net that was transparent and threw it over them. Then, Hephaestus threw a big party for the gods and showed off his wife, the shameless hussy, and her current lover, the big dumb tough guy.

STORY TIME: What the gods do in heaven influenced what happened on earth. One time there was a big wedding in heaven. Everyone was invited but the goddess of discord (who wants a troublemaker at a wedding?). She found out and got mad. To get even, she got a golden apple and inscribed "For the Most Beautiful" on it and pitched it through the window. It caused a big fight between the 3 Big Beauties of heaven (Hera, Athene, and Aphrodite). They took the fight to Zeus to settle. He had enough sense to say he wasn't competent to judge. (If he picked Hera, people would say it was cuz she was his wife and, if he didn't, home was going to be Hell!) He sent them to earth to the city of Troy. They found a shepherd lying under a tree (who just happened to be the Prince of Troy named Paris. Why was the prince herding sheep? Maybe just an innocent fetish?) The goddesses bribed him to pick them (one promised him the most powerful city on earth, one the most wealth). He picked Aphrodite who promised him the most beautiful woman in the world who just happened to already be married to a Greek, which caused the Trojan War. But the gods loved war on earth. They chose up sides and even came down and fought on their sides (obviously Athene and Hera were on the other side of Aphrodite).

Back to the gods:

Poseidon (Neptune) was the god of the sea. He was an old god. He used to be the deity of all the towns on the sea coast. Lots of sailors reported seeing him (back at ports in their local taverns). He may have caused earthquakes, too.

Dionysus (Bacchus) was a rural woodland god. He was the god of grapevines. In the fall he died and rose in the spring. He was the god of wine and Greek drama (you'll learn why later). He had some associates that were really weird creatures: Satyrs were ½ man and ½ goat (the bottom ½). They were lazy, pleasure-loving, and useless. Centaurs were ½ man and ½ horse (the bottom ½). There were violent, drunken, rude, and savage. They may have come about cuz there were still mountain cavemen in Greece that were shy and only came out around sundown. They rode shaggy ponies and a Greek could have looked up at the sunrise and seen a caveman sitting on a grazing pony. Nymphs were charming females that were almost human.

STORY TIME #2: There was a nymph messing around with Zeus. So they wouldn't get caught, they posted her sister Echo as a lookout. She was looking out for Hera. Pretty soon Hera would come looking for Zeus and Echo would distract her by asking about her health, or the weather, while Zeus made his getaway. Pretty soon Hera got wise. She destroyed the nymph that was hanky-pankying. But she was hacked off at Echo for distract her so she took away Echo's voice. Echo could only say the last syllable of words said in her presence. (Makes more sense than sound waves bouncing around!) Echo had a sad end. She died of a broken heart. She had fallen in love with Narcissus, a handsome actor, but she couldn't tell him of her love. Speaking of Narcissus, he saw his reflection in a pool of water and was so pretty that he couldn't tear himself away and starved to death. (Towards the end, I'd think he'd get a little thin!)

Hades was what happened to you after death. Early Greeks thought your soul went West cuz it was unknown territory. After they explored West, they decided your soul went down. Hades was the place as well as the name of the god that runs it. In the early days, everybody went to Hades. It was gloomy, depressing and you lost your body and became a ghost. ("I ain't got no body and no body cares for me!" Ha Cha Cha!!) The ghost could become alive again by drinking some fresh blood but it was only temporary. Later Greeks decided that there should be some evening up of the score after death. For good people, there was Elysium Field that was a great place with best of life (food, sex, etc.) in it. For baddies, there was torment. They believed the punishment fit the crime. For instance, there was a tyrant named Tantalus who ate like a hog while his people starved. As his punishment, he was suspended between food and drink. Water touched his chin but if he bent down to drink it, the water receded. Food was on a string above his head but if he stretched up to get it, it was pulled out of reach. (Do you know the word "tantalize"? That's where it comes from.)

Greek religion is a "state" religion, not a personal religion. Christianity is a personal one–you probably pray to god when you're in trouble and he helps you out. But Greek gods are supposed to protect your city and help your city become prosperous. That's their whole function. They may listen to your piddly troubles but probably not.

Greeks believed there were 4 different ages of man: 1. Golden Age. When men were men! There was no disease, no war, no hard work, nobody got tired. They just kind of laid around and had food fall into their mouths. 2. Silver Age where men were inept and feeble. They obeyed their mothers all their lives. It may be the Greeks remembering an early matriarchal society. (Notice how the ages are declining in monetary value.) 3. Bronze Age where men were hard-hearted and war-like and killed each other off. 4. Iron Age. It was the contemporary age of the time. All the youths were going to hell and things weren't as good as the old days. These ages show the theme of progressive degeneration of man. It's called the "Good Ole Days" Syndrome. Everybody has it. Everybody believes that things were always better back when. It's cuz the mind is strange and after a period of time, you only remember the good parts and don't retain the unpleasant.

How did the Iron Age man get created? Well, it's a long story. Early in heaven there was a civil war going on. The gods were fighting the Titans, large man-like creatures. The Titans lost and got punished forever by having to do things (like Atlas has to sell tires for the rest of his life!). But there was one Titan named Prometheus who hadn't joined the rebels. As a reward, he got to go to heaven. But he felt guilty enjoying the tingly bliss while all his brother had to work. So, he did things to screw up the gods. He created the Iron Age man out of water (or tears, depending on the version) and dirt. The gods were not thrilled. They said, since we were here, we'd have to sacrifice to them and worship them. But when you sacrifice an animal, what parts do the gods get? It was a delicate situation. So Prometheus said he'd help us and asked Zeus to pick. Prometheus made up two piles: one with all the meat which he covered with the hide and the other with the innards and bones which he covered with a layer of fat. Somehow, if you're a god, the neatest smell in the world is burning fat (don't go home and try it!). So Zeus picked the fat pile and was not pleased when he discovered he got the yucky innards as a sacrifice. He said, OK, if man gets the meat, then let him eat it raw, cuz I'm not giving him fire. But Prometheus stole fire and gave it to man. Zeus was getting a little peeved, but he didn't know who was screwing up the works. He decided to try man for once. He had Hephaestus make something really beautiful but with a lying mouth and wicked heart, i.e., the first woman. (Yes, that is really what the Greeks believed about women! Poor misguided fools!!) Anyway, she was named Pandora. Along with her came a jug (not a box, as we've been told). She was told not to unstop it, but she let her curiosity overcome her and opened it and let all the cruddy disease out that Zeus had packaged in there. Despite that, man eventually came to be pleased with having women around. So Zeus' plan backfired. He decided to wipe us out with a big flood, but Prometheus tipped off an early Greek man who built a large boat and filled it with animals and people. (Sound familiar??) But since we kept sacrificing and worshiping the gods, eventually the smell of burning fat calmed Zeus down and he said it was ok for us to be around. Plus, he found out it had been Prometheus causing all the trouble. He had Prometheus chained to a rock with an unbreakable chain and every day an eagle came and ate out his liver. Since Prometheus was immortal, every night the liver grew back. But eventually (after 30,000 years or so of this), he got off the rock and is now back in heaven throwing sand in the works for you and me.